I am very excited! My sister is due to give birth to a baby boy any day now. Our mother arrived last week, and our dad is arriving soon. I move back and forth from excitement to worry to wonder. I wonder what he will look like. Lately, my dream life is about birth and him. I dreamt that he has reddish brown hair. I dreamt that he arrived early. I dreamt that he is happy and full of life. Change is the only constant. The only constant is change. My sister has been such a strong, kind, and healthy person for this baby. She has been a work in progress for motherhood, and she has been a nurturer since she was knee high to a grasshopper. She always looks out for her loved ones.
There have been other changes in my/our world. My sister getting married.; Cute nieces and their extended family; All of our grandparents passed on; The birth of Mantis; A new border-collie mix added to the family; Our dad’s retirement in April. New beginnings are exciting. Now, to the biggest little new beginning… a baby!
I have so many blessings because it gives me, an opportunity to grow and change. I mostly feel excited, but I also feel some nervousness. I feel the urge to be helpful, but I don’t want to intrude. I want to be around my sister and just “be” with her. It is difficult for me to focus on other things. I find myself daydreaming about this little bundle. I love checking out all the wonderful changes my brother-in-law has made to the house, like the remodeled basement for my eldest niece, and the new “tween” room for my other niece, or how cute and cozy the baby’s room is.
During big changes there is usually a transition period before the “new normal”. During this time, I tend to feel awkward and sometimes behave awkwardly. I tend to feel that there is a right way to adjust to changes in my life, and I wonder if I am getting it right. Sometimes I get stuck in indecision. Because I don’t want to get something wrong, I don’t do something I want to do. Or before I act, I take a pregnant pause. Then I second guess myself. Did I do the right thing? Or did I behave the right way? Did I annoy anyone? Did I step on anyone’s toes? When I second guess myself, I then try to give myself a break. I know that I never am trying to be unhelpful or not giving. I DO over-think things. I worry about annoying people, but I am never trying to annoy people. I DO worry about the BEST way to contribute.
I love that the word crisis in Chinese means OPPORTUNITY and CHANGE. There is no crisis here, but there is change and new opportunities. I am starting to realize when I do get on my family’s nerves, or do something that is unhelpful, it will be ok. Any what an adventure I/we am/are having!
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